If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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