just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
