Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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