So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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