Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
