3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
