I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
