I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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