i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
