I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just found a bag of teeth...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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