She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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