Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
