i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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