This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
