I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
