I hope mine doesn't look like that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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