I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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