I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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