Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
