census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
