2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
