Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
