I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
