She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
