i dont even know how to be here
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
