News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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