hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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