i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
