I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
