You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
