I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
