She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
