Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
