That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
