The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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