Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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