not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Green mimosas i think yes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
