before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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