Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Randomize
