How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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