I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
