I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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