My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
