It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
