One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
