My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
