You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I still have a little drunk in my system
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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