I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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