First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
