I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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