the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
